Hi Dili

Yes its me, no I mean you, I mean you in about a decade. And kindly wipe that look off your face. You and I both know that you’re open to enough weird possibilities that this wont be THAT freaky for you. Anyways right now I’m supposed  to tell you about how things went… I mean how things are about to go down for you  soon enough. You and I both know what you’re going to with this but for the sake of all the people that put me up to this I’m going to keep going anyway. I can’t believe I wrote this gargantuan thing. Must be the most I’ve written for a single topic in ages. Anyways…

You are NOT Spock.

…or any other genius level individual you’ve ever seen anywhere. I know by some miracle neurons in that head you have been able to breeze through all your exams and what not with only a couple of days studying at most. (I wont mention that little hiccup with the maths paper last year) This will not last forever. Yes you will do the same to your O/L’s and somehow you will get better than your average results. ( By the way, if you don’t want a tiniest stab of disappointment on your conscience, do remember to hand in ALL the answer sheets.)  You will also do the same with your first A/L term tests. And a few exams after A/Ls as well. But you will sink your A/L’s because you couldn’t get off that lazy bum of yours. So do it now. Honestly right now you don’t need to, but get the practice in for my sake. It’s hard to break old habits. (No that’s not all I have to say regarding the A/L years but I’ll get to that in due course.) You will have a quarter life crisis because you have no real idea what direction you’re taking your life. One tip; start serious writing and keep writing. It just might save what’s left of your sanity. Yea you can toss that career plan you’re jotting down out the window right now. Remember I..err… you? … we? … read in one of dads old Reader’s Digest’s someone said “map out your future, but do it in pencil” … well you have no idea how true that is. Oh and do stick to Sunday School. Turns out its not mindless babble and psychotic extremists. But you know that by now. Keep at it. You will meet very intelligent people that teach you of a balanced and tolerant view of the world. Meditation will take you far.

Anyway you know you have the brains, even though you never want to or will admit it that to anyone, even to yourself. Don’t waste it. You are capable of so many things. Don’t be the shy kid in the corner. Go out and do the things you know you can do. Noone’s going to magically appear and realise all your potential and give you the opportunities you want. You have to make them happen. Like that time when you had the chance to do the Gaatha at the assembly, and R jumped up and took the spot while you were thinking whether to go for it or not, and he went and spouted the same old Nahi werena weraani..  and you knew you knew something better and different to say. You should have done that. Stop worrying that you’re going to screw up if you do something and stop worrying you’re going to be laughed at because you wont be, and being laughed at certainly doesn’t mean you’re going to be ostracized, quite the opposite possibly. And even if you are laughed at, sometimes its worth it to just take the chance. Don’t ever be scared to take the right chances.

Also don’t think too badly of the home folks in the years to come. Mom and Dad have always been cool and let you take your own sweet time and own road in life, and they still will in my time. Take comfort in the fact that when the day comes that you think of yourself as a glorified hobo, the parents are still very happy, patient and understanding of your presence. You’ve always thought of them and done your level best not to hurt them in anyway. It’s going to be harder to do that cos moms still gonna be as protective of you as ever and you just keep trying to get that closet rebel inside you out. Its gonna tear you to pieces a few times, not being able to be there on  more than a few occasions and it’ll haunt you for a long time. But know that in time you will realise that they shower you with a lot more love and understanding than the average parent. You’ll find that out soon enough. And that will save you from a few troubles that you never saw coming. Believe me that’s well worth the price of a bit of ridiculing from so called “friends”. The ones who matter, will understand. You can’t and won’t make everyone happy. Soon enough you will try so hard to be accepted by these people that you admire so much. You put so much effort, but into the wrong line. You should have put all that effort into you, and they’d have admired you too. And not all of them deserved your admiration anyway. You know the ones who really care about you, stick to them, make them happy and you will be too.

Love is going to be one fraking bastard of a ride. In some alternate reality where you didn’t fall in love, things might have ended up waaaay differently. But being in love was the most awesome feeling ever. You weren’t ready for it. You were nowhere near in the same galaxy as being ready for it. You were naive and you disappointed because you just didn't know any better.(I’d tell you to stand up for yourself and do what has to be done, but you have no way of knowing what has to be done. I only know now myself.) But it was love with all heart and soul and you gave it all of you just like you always do and that was wonderful. It won’t last forever. By the end you wont even know how your head went all twisted. And when it’s really over it’ll leave this black hole in your heart that just wont go away. That weight will keep you down for ages. You always were good at the non-expressive smile. You’ll use it a lot, for a long time. Just giving you the heads up here. Be ready.

But don’t think that life is a bitch by reading all that. Yes there were tough times, but some of your best days are going to be in the next few years. The last years of school are going to be some of the best. And you will go to classes and you will not learn a single dot of the syllabus but you will have the best times you had in a long long long time. You will meet friends, bros and sisters, that you are going to cherish to the time that you become me. From vj’s, lizards, dingbats to prime ministers to some that sing to your soul and some that are just there for you always. Some of the best people you meet will be met then. And after you are totally lost at sea after your A/L results you will more or less be saved by a dark and insane knight. Do remember to show your appreciation more often, you don’t right now. IT will be fun (till your lazybones kick in) and these days with that rat pack of Arkham escapees will be remembered more for the carrom and cards at the canteen and the two mountains we climbed and the sleeping in the back row, etc. oh maan that was..err… will be fun. Not to mention how you start gaming and hanging out with the coolest gamers too but ill let you find that out for yourself. But you will find the most happiness in English. Yes you always were good at that at school without even trying, but it wasn’t hard for anyone and it wasn’t even something you thought of past O/L. Well guess what. You will do higher ed. in English and you will LOVE it. The friends the people the teachers you will adore it all. So much for planning it all out at 16 huh? You will start something called blogging, where you randomly say stupid stuff on this thing called the internet and some people actually read it. And some of these people will become your closest friends as well. They’ll be all kinds of softyhearted, misrepresented, dark, angelic, saintly but not quite insane and what not and they’ll  pretty much join in the family like the ones I’ve mentioned above and they too will heal you and bring you joy to your everlasting gratefulness.

This was LONG. I KNOW. And that’s partly because noones gonna read this then. LOL (don’t ask me what kind of stupid word that is, you will find out in due time) including you. Because you and I arent that much different from each other or that 8 year old from way back. We’ll have to talk to him to make any major changes. Also because you and I we believed in one thing always. No regrets. You can’t change the past so why waste time by hanging on to old heartaches and sadness right? Let go. Learn and Let go. So you wont do it again. Right? Well you stick to that. It’ll serve you well. Have hope, you always will never lose that optimism of yours that there’s always some way for things to turn out wonderful. It’ll keep you going. Bottom line, just be yourself, I’m told its not that bad.

Live Long and Prosper

Walk of Life... by =Jennbawa on deviantART

Women are like Books

Women are like books
So my friend said.
If you see one you like,
Pick it up,
Or someone else will,

So many books,
Of so many kinds,
Worthless most,
Of pink garish hues,
And inane shallow news.

Some dark as night,
With innocent smiles bright,
Upon their covers,
Beckon you within,
To daggers and poisonous delight.

Some so long, heavy and tedious,
Some must be kept so fastidious,
While the ones with the jacket-less covers,
Are always stolen away by others.

Some books are to see, they do not speak,
And to try and read that other one,
Would take many a fruitless week.
And while that lovely book beckons too,
It's someone else's and it's not for you.

Then you see it.
Your book.
Just there.
Just for you.
About no other do you care,
As you wait stop and stare,
At the one you take home.

You hold in your hands,
Gently,
As the scent ensnares and takes you away.
As you run your hands over,
The back,
The spine,
Ever so lightly.
Feeling the smooth skin,
As you part the halves,
Hands gliding down the insides,
Feeling,
Then holding,
Then you devour whats within
With your eyes,
As your finger follows the patterns,
Line by line.
You plunge within,
Deeper and deeper,
Faster and faster
Till to the waking world,
You are no more
And then...
You return
Excited.
Rushed.
Satiated.

Leaving your hands for the present time,
But you cannot help but break a smile,
For pleasures now past and to come in time.

I always liked reading in bed.

Mr Francy and his Beetles

Image by The Brucer via Flickr

When I was a little we lived in a small village/town just outside Gampaha. Those were great times growing up in the village air with nice, kind people. Happy days.... I was only 3,4 years old. Anyhow there was this one shop called Francy Tarders (yep, I spelled it right :) ) which stocked these little plastic VW Beetle models. Nothing too fancy, just the body and 4 wheels in plastic (Made in China). They were cheap too so I'd always ask & Mom and Dad would always buy me 1 every time they went out. They were so colourful. They didnt just have regular blue, green and red. They were a rainbow of psychedelic colours. These had pastel shades of orange, pink, aquamarine, purple, turquoise and even luminous shades of yellow, lime, and many others. I didnt know all those big words then, but those little cars are still fresh in my mind after all these years.

I still remember walking into that lovely shop which had all sorts of knick-knacks, just like those magical-like shops you get in books. I'd always go with Dad. The owner knew me by name, I had come in so many times, and Dad was known a little as well as 1 of the Docs at the Textile Mill. The shop had these waist high glass display cases like in the textile shops, and the top rack was entirely filled with dozens and dozens of these little pieces of rainbow. Id gaze and pick and choose while Dad and "Mr Francy" talked (mostly about my lunatic antics I guess.)

In the end I had at least a 100 give or take. Thats not counting the ones that got broken over the years. It was a real sight to see, whether they were lined up at an imaginary parking lot, or running races around the Chair-Leg Forest and the Table-Top Flats. I think it was Herbie that got me hooked on Beetles back then. I loved that old film.

After Dad retired of course we had to move. And by that time our house was built here closer to Colombo. I was going to school too and I wasnt playing with the Beetles that much anymore. Mom was a teacher at the village school and she knew of a lot of small kids from poor families. So we ended up giving away all those toy cars. After all it was dead weight to bring along and this way someone ended up happy. A kind of going away gift.

We went back there recently after almost 10 years to settle some things. The town had changed a lot. It had lost the village charm. But some people remembered us. Mr Francy was no more, and neither were his cars. But the shop was still there. We didnt go in, and I dont know who runs it now, but it had the same old board proudly saying - "Francy Tarders".

And of course, I'll always have my memories....

(P.S just reposting something I deleted once)

My Life According to Jim Reeves

Jim Reeves via last.fm

Facebook tag. This was pretty cool. Open tag for anyone wanting to join in. I'll be linking the songs in future when I can, if I find them :D

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to 10 people including me. You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat song titles. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "My Life According to (BAND NAME)"

Pick Your Artist:
Jim Reeves

Are you a male or female?
"Danny Boy"

Describe yourself:
"Now and Then There's a Fool Such as I"

How do you feel:
"How Can I Write On Paper What I'm Feeling in My Heart"

Describe where you currently live:
"The Fool's Paradise "

If you could go anywhere, where would you go?
"Where Does a Broken Heart Go?"

Your favourite form of transportation:
"I'm Waiting For Ships That Never Come in"

Your best friend(s) is/are:
"Señor Santa Claus"

Your favourite colour is:
"That's When I See the Blues"

What's the weather like?
"Just Walking In The Rain"

Favourite time of day:
"Silent Night"

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
"Waltzing on Top of the World"

What is life to you:
"Highway To Nowhere"

Your current relationship:
"You'll Never Know"

Breaking up:
"I've Enjoyed As Much Of This As I Can Stand"

Looking for:
"My Missing Angel"

Wouldn’t mind:
"Beatin' on the Ding Dong"

Your fear:
"Two Shadows on Your Window"

What is the best advice you have to give:
"Give Me One More Kiss"

If you could change your name, you would change it to:
"Mexican Joe"

Thought for the Day:
"Its Hard To Love Just One"

How I would like to die:
"When Two Worlds Collide"

My motto:
"According to My Heart"

the trouble with Love is..

that it's so many different things .... like,


* Sending roses to office as a surprise, but she figured it out beforehand somehow

* That comfortable silence

* THAT smile

* Ditching the party for a party of few

* Ditching the party for a party of two

* Walking from Liberty to Odel with 4 amazing people and having the most amazing time

* Webchats almost every night with the raving lunatics that you now can't imagine living without

* Hugs

* Walking in the rain

* The walk from Galle Rd. to Highlevel Rd after classes where laughter and insanity was never out of place

* Ruffling and messing up the girls's hair as you get off the bus to go home

* The pinches the girls give you when you never fail to fall asleep in the middle of a lecture

* Your BFF jabbing you every 10 minutes even when you're wide awake because you never fail to fall asleep in the middle of a lecture

* Cutting lectures to play Carrom and Cards in the canteen

* Cutting lectures to play Carrom and Cards in the canteen with the lecturer included

* All the people and all the things we did instead of and including Maths, from 8pm to 2am and more

* Being asked to write about the good times by a bestest friend, but you keep putting it off in the face of her curses because you're afraid to ruin the memory

* BB in the interval

* Listening to your pals awesome guitar strumming

* Cricket in the old staff room and getting nabbed

* 20 questions with an awesome friend

* Knowing you're there for them and you do care, even if they dont and you know they dont.

* She doesn't read, but suffered the crowds at the book fair with you because you do

* When @ class while everyones having lunch your friends buy ice cream for everyone because thats the one thing you wont refuse to eat.

* When you're the only person he/she is ok with getting advice from

* When your school-teacher slaps you and makes you kneel because you got caught walking out to jump school, and then lets you go fully knowing the window of opportunity hasnt closed and you still can/will jump school

* When in school exams you keep a carbon paper underneath your answer sheet and write and then distribute the copy just cos your friend asked you to

* School Daze

* When you're the only person that is told the happy news

* When you want to be there but you cant, and it tears you up inside even when the time has long gone and everythings ok.

* when you were little and your cuz who's 5 years younger to you tries to whack your mom with a broom cos she scolded you

* All times that your the 70 yr old adoring grandfather bussed it to your place with at least 20-30kilos of goodies and little you locked all the doors so he couldn't go back

* When despite all the "dont-waste-money-we're-not-rich" lectures, Dad runs after you to catch you at the busstop when Mom tells him mischief you really had planned, and HE knew you'd need more money

* Mom checking to see if the suns shining so she can put out the wash, or who that suspicious beggar on the road is, or the squirrels in the garden etc.. all from my bedroom window, when really she's checking if i'm ok .... @ least once every friggin hour =P

* When Mom waits for you on the porch for the entire 3 hours that you got late, and then proceeds to blast any semblance of a smile from you because "Putha, you shouldn't tire yourself out like this"

* When you find that for those 3 hours it was cool-calm-I-dont-care-attitude Dad that was paranoid and running disaster simulations past Mom.

* Dad lifting 3 year old you halfway up to the playground slide over and over again just because you were too scared to climb to the top.

* The squirrel family that has permanent residency inside our house.

* The Mother and baby monkey the monkey troop that never fail to melt my Mom's heart and get a bunch of scraped Coconut shells to eat

* When you bear-hug your sis-from-another-mother in public even after you realise that the other mother is disapprovingly watching from 10 feet away

* the amazement to find that your sis-from-another-mother's mother actually approves of your company

* When a best friend and the life of the party @ Uni flies off to lands far away and you try to figure out a way to send a Sponge Spongebob just cos thats the love of her life

* what you have for all the times you had to make time and go to uni with your mates on normal days to figure out how to write damned assingments.

* Poetry and Drama at lectures, both what learned and what we made ourselves

* The bookcovers that a friend never fails to put on her lecture notes

* Your brother-from-another-mother's paranoia

* Being happy to be, and always will be brothers-from-different-mothers even though you dont' know how you positively affect his life

* getting tagged by GG =)

* tagging Black Rose, Sabby, aerondight, Rannalee, Gutterflower, Scrumpy, සුදාරක and Ding


p.s. : Yes, i know this is effing hell long, it just kept on going and going and going and going....

:D

Fractalled

Image via Wikipedia

"What suddenly inspired you to plunge into graphical representations of mathematical functions?" is what I asked Fallen when he was delving into Fractal art. The irony was that he in turn inspired me.

"Fractal" is a term coined by mathematician Benoit Mandelbrot which for all layman practical purposes mean a rough geometric figure that repeats its structure as you zoom more and more into it. You really wont get what this means until you actually generate one and see the "infinite" detail in a fractal. The best descriptions I've seen about Fractals was in Arthur C. Clarke's novel "The Ghost from the Grand Banks" which incidentally included insanity due to Fractals. So if you want more details go read that or Wikipedia or some other Fractal related book.

As for me I intend to keep indulging in these, and here's the previews of first 4 , hence the crap quality. Click on them to see the full proper image. If you're interested get on my twitpic rss feed so you'll keep getting these =D

Enjoy

flowers in chaos

adolescent lotus

female revisted

Black Dahlia

Sucking Dust

 

Look if you really must,

Upon the shelf gathering dust.

Stacked up high one by one,

Are what's left of times long done.

 

Hey, about the wear I DO care,

i know things of beauty are still there.

i must organise i must put in order,

i must do but i’ve done neither,

 

To all of them or to any one thing,

Like the once-glowing golden ring,

Or the myriad voices of circles that sing,

Or the books with pages that do bring,

Memories of old and pesky eyes that sting.

 

So time to clean up your act you fuck,

Before all that dust goes and turns to muck

Get that vacuum and let it suck suck suck

It was THEN that I said “Oh Fuck!”

 

Because it was then I saw…

 

It was because of dust inside

That eyes did sting and made me blind,

To all those things I had to find,

Like the bulb and teddy and the pen and paper,

And the knife I saved from that dusty vapour.

 

You see the dust that clouded my eyes,

Was one of sorrow, anger and despise.

Without all that to cloud my eyes,

There were things of beauty I realise.

The shelf is also beautiful I realise.

 

Again I will never leave my shelf to that dust,

Blind me again never it must,

My lovely shelf I will again trust,

As safe for what matters, and never to be lost.

 

~Dili