Twilight

i hear it come. the baying of a thousand demons call out. they beckon me, awaiting my return to the void, and as the cold embrace of darkness envelops me, i stare wistfully towards the passing twilight, and longingly at the last rays of  the vanishing sun, stained not with gentle and golden but of violent and scarlet hues, as if from a heart bleeding its life away, as my own heart bleeds for the sun, the sun that took away the darkness and replaced it with light, granted me vision so that i may see hope for a brighter day, gave me warmth so life would spread through every cold and dying vein and that I may rise from where I had fallen, rise to be something more than I was, and everything that I could be, and now I see its passing and I let the darkness take me.

Invashun Plans

Conversations between good friends can be ridiculous to say the least :)


------


blackrose: ive been chased out of me rooms
cos funny men are taking away the panes

Dili: =/   aiyo... must have revolushuns, take back landsh from evil invadersh

blackrose: to the battlefrontsh!

Dili: we shall attack with pillows and bedsheets

blackrose: i shall shhhharpen me weaponsh and make a dasshh to the wisshing well for sholdier preservashuns!

Dili: yesh yesh yesh

blackrose: and mattreshush if we musht!

Dili: YESH the heavy weaponsh

blackrose: aaand annnd anddd we shaaall ushe mashterful creatursh of whitenessh and hissshes

Dili: you daresh unleasheth the munchiness monstersh?? :D

blackrose: huuuuuuuuuuushh
munchinessh monstersssh comessh in at lashtt minusssh
sikrit weaponsh
we unleassshes the whtesssssh onessshh
clawsh outsh

Dili: and wits ze blooodcurdling meowsh

blackrose: Shcccressshing oness

Dili: yesh yesh... andsh there be also ze yellow onesh

blackrose: We hasssh an armiiiiiiiie

Dili: yeshies... any mores to recruitsh???

blackrose: the all knowing Sabbiiessh

Dili: hehe yesh yesh she hash ze sparkle eyesh majiksh

blackrose: we shaaall be victoriiiussssh

Dili: FOR SPAAA .. * cough * ... TAAA .... * cough * hehe

blackrose: you meansh for SHHPPPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH AH!

Farewell

it is only coldness i have in me my love, i have no life in me. only the cruel realities of what i have done haunt me with the hounds of their consequence and I am nothing more than the cold bitter wind that cuts and bites at everything it touches. You are but the only warmth my heart has known and I give you away not because I hate but because I love you, because that roaring fire of life within you must not be cooled by these bitter winds but grown and fanned ever higher by warmth and love and things that you deserve, things far better than i ever will be....

Catch the Wind

Near darkness enveloped them. The lights were dimmed so far down that only the palest orbs of yellowy white were there to remind you of their presence. Even her smile would have been invisible to him in this darkness if not for the blinding white light that suddenly appeared out of nowhere. It was lighting up that tiny little stage. But the stage couldn’t contain it, and the light spread in waves, glaring at the audience and casting long evil looking shadows behind them.

But the stage wasn’t empty. There was a man….well “boy” really. After all the music man on stage wasn’t that much different from them was he? Underneath the styled hair, the shiny blue shirt and the designer jeans and sneakers, he thought he could still see the guy they used to hang out with not so long ago. One thing hadn’t changed though and that was that guitar in his hand.

“Ok before it begins…” she started to say “… just wanna say thanks for coming with me. I know you hate his stuff”.

“Well it was either come or suffer some horrific death at your hands. I’m not quite ready for the latter just yet”  He retorted with a smile. “I dunno why he had to change his music, it was good back then. Now it’s just …..  What the hell did... do you see….”

“Ok shush. You complaining is not part of the deal.” She said. “However, as you are my dearest BFF, you do get….” and she threw her arms around him in a tight hug.

“Gaaaah…” he cried out. “… If you ARE going to strangle me, you’d think it’d be better to do it without witnesses around. And please don’t call me that, sounds like some type of groupie”.

“Oh shut up. It’s starting anyway.” she said as she turned in her seat to face the stage. He looked at her and was shaking his head wryly at her feigned exasperation. Now she sat there, eyes locked on the stage with a faint smile. He couldn’t help but keep looking at her and smile at that. Because at one point in time it was harder to get a smile from her than it was to try and catch the wind, and he had told her that. So even when the music man started saying “Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen…” he was still looking at her with that wry smile still on his face.

---

She couldn’t help but look at him. He looked nice. Very nice. A not-so-distant time ago he could have even worn a used garbage bag and she’d still see him looking very nice, but that didn’t cross  her mind right now. As his fingers touched the guitar strings and that soulful voice started to escape his lips, her mind was far away in another time and place.

Back then they were  just ‘friends’. Meeting on a common ground of broken hearts and souls. At first they just passed each other by in the halls on the way to the classes they shared. Then a casual nod or a ‘Hi’ here and there. He wasn’t the  type to be just your friend. There was that something about him. Maybe it was the hidden sadness in his eyes that only she saw. It was so much like the sadness that was so often in her eyes. She never tried to find out what it was exactly, till that day he wore the shirt with her favourite band’s name on it. She had no idea he was into music. She was a violinist herself and she dreamed of stardom someday. But stardom would have to wait for now. They started talking, then they never stopped talking.

They really didn’t have that much in common on the outside. He was the rebel that was mad at the world who couldn’t care less about the world outside with a family that was seldom seen. She was no docile innocent lamb, but she always kept things in check, never in trouble, always loved. But she was always on a road that someone else chose for her. Back then, she really didn’t know what the attraction was. Now she knew that he was the personification of everything she had bottled up over the years. He was living the freedom that she wanted so much, or so she thought. Her best friend had his concerns. He said that this music man wasn’t someone that would stay around, he was a passing wind, a storm. But she had to try anyway.

They spent so much time together. Talking about the things they loved, watching the sunsets, walking home in the starlight after concerts, and him playing for her those soulful melodies he wrote. The "music man" was what she playfully called her. But even when she was falling for him, she knew she hadn’t reached him the way he reached her. He was still far away no matter how close they became. Yet she drifted further and further into their world to find him. He was never still, he was ever moving, unsettled like the wind. She was trying to catch the wind.

Everyone worried for her because she wasn’t herself anymore. So many people really cared about her but she was oblivious. They were happy in each other's company and she thought they had it all. She thought she had her soul mate. So did he. Only it wasn’t her.

She was cool about the music man being with the that girl. It wasn't like they were together. Nothing was different on the outside. The devastation was all on the inside. She put so much of herself into him. They had connected, or was that all in her head? The pain and doubt was eating at her little by little each day. She made it through because the people that really cared hadn’t left her when she had left everyone else behind. She was grateful for the good friend she had. She was also grateful when the music man moved away.

Now in this little concert hall, the music man stood right there before her. He was playing a song that he she recognised. She was the first one to hear that sweet and beautiful melody, back when things were sweet and beautiful too. Now the melody was changed, and it seemed just as empty and meaningless as her life.

She was here because she needed to face him. She needed to prove to herself that she had moved on. She needed to move on. She wasn’t sure that she could face him, but that’s why she had a friend here. He hated the music man's music, and probably the man too. But he was sitting there right next to her, just like he always was all through the difficult times. She turned to see what he was doing, and she found him leaning on his arm looking at her with a quizzical look.

“What?” He asked.

“And why are you staring at me?” she said.

“I’m just worried about you, it’s part of the perils of having a lunatic for a friend” he quipped.

In that moment, looking into those playful brown eyes, she knew exactly what she had to do.

“OW!” he cried, as a few annoyed heads turned to see what the commotion was. “What the…  why on earth would you pinch my nose now?” he whispered.

“Just pay attention to the show you doofus.”  she replied as she tried her best not to explode while stifling all the laughs and giggles inside her.

---

“Really I have no idea what you saw in that rat bastard…”  he said. As he slouched in the soft sofa chair. “…or for that matter why you still want to see him.”

They had just come back to her house after the concert. Everyone else in house had gone off to who-knows-where and the only sounds were of theirs and the soft rain outside.

“Oh really…” she replied. “Lets see you’ve been living next door for what, 20 years?…  and we’ve known each other at least that long. You should know me inside-out by now. I’m hurt” she said as she mocked him with that pouty face while holding her hand to her heart. He just shook his head and tossed his head back and lay there, staring at the ceiling.

She knew the music man had moved on, and on, and on. From a distance she had watched how his life drifted from one direction to the next and to the next, and how she had longed to help him. She knew him best and she knew that he was just looking for a place that he could fit in. Deep down she still longed to make that place for him. But now doubts crept in. She finally saw him in his element, doing his thing, and she saw that he was happy. She saw the music mans eyes and they had no sadness in them. The sadness that she saw in his eyes so long ago, that deep sadness that they both once shared was no more. She was forced to ask "What have I been chasing all this time?" She knew at that moment that she had no place with him, and he had no place with her. She was just trying to catch the wind.

"I'm moving on. I'm over him." She spoke aloud. Her voice echoing in the quiet room as if to bring the full weight of her words upon the world.

The words jarred the sleepyhead from his semi-slumber. He sat up straight, blinking his eyes at her. "Really?" He asked? "I have heard that one before you know."

"No I mean it this time." She replied. "It's over. He's not for me, he is his own and I know that now. I've made my peace." She smiled weakly. He looked at her. He heard variations of this more than a few time before. But this time something was different. He believed her. More importantly, she believed herself.

In two steps he was beside her with the hug of love and comfort she needed then. "Thanks for being such a dear, for everything over all this time." she blurted out in between sobs. "You've always been here for me even when I was too wrapped up in my own world for your good."

"Meh, what else am I here for?" He said with a cheeky grin on his face as he let her go. "Ok so now we get your life back where it should go. Starting with getting you back to music."

"Oh no no, thats behind me." She started to say. "I can't go back to that. I've lost touch and..."

"No no no no, you are not getting out of this." He interrupted her. "I'm going to tell you something and you are going to shut up and listen, ok?"  he said. "Alright." she replied.

"You remember how we used to be. There weren't two people closer in the world. Hell you got me into so many scrapes, and I still haven't forgiven you for dragging me to that horrible music class." He remembered with a wry smile. Even she had to grin at the memories of her dragging along this protesting young lad who wanted to play cricket with the neighborhood boys rather than a piano with and old lady barking at them to practice their scales. She wasn't going to let this rascal get away from being her accompanist when she became a world famous violinist.

"Anyway, "  he started to say, "I went from that to watching you totally lose it and go every which way there is to go. It wasn't pretty and it wasn't easy but we still got through it all didn't we? I figured you'd be back to your old self someday soon enough and you'd be pretty upset to find if I didn't follow through on all the plans you had for me."

"We were kids!" she replied in amazement. "You didn't really take that stuff seriously did you? You're joking right?"

"Of course I am" he smiled. "But I still kept going, and I'm not so bad now if I do say so myself."

"No way!" she exclaimed as he and sat down at the piano at the other end of the room. "Why didn't I know this? Why didn't you tell me?"

"I tried but getting to you was like trying to catch the wind." he said. Then he smiled and looked her in the eyes. His hands rested on the piano keys and the music filled the air. As she heard the words to the song in this beautiful voice she had never heard before, she understood what she missed in her life for so very long

Catch the Wind (originally by Donovan, covered by Dolbro Dan)  [lyrics]



(also much thanks to blackroseanarchy for the immense help given to editing this rigmarole.TY)

Hi Dili

Yes its me, no I mean you, I mean you in about a decade. And kindly wipe that look off your face. You and I both know that you’re open to enough weird possibilities that this wont be THAT freaky for you. Anyways right now I’m supposed  to tell you about how things went… I mean how things are about to go down for you  soon enough. You and I both know what you’re going to with this but for the sake of all the people that put me up to this I’m going to keep going anyway. I can’t believe I wrote this gargantuan thing. Must be the most I’ve written for a single topic in ages. Anyways…

You are NOT Spock.

…or any other genius level individual you’ve ever seen anywhere. I know by some miracle neurons in that head you have been able to breeze through all your exams and what not with only a couple of days studying at most. (I wont mention that little hiccup with the maths paper last year) This will not last forever. Yes you will do the same to your O/L’s and somehow you will get better than your average results. ( By the way, if you don’t want a tiniest stab of disappointment on your conscience, do remember to hand in ALL the answer sheets.)  You will also do the same with your first A/L term tests. And a few exams after A/Ls as well. But you will sink your A/L’s because you couldn’t get off that lazy bum of yours. So do it now. Honestly right now you don’t need to, but get the practice in for my sake. It’s hard to break old habits. (No that’s not all I have to say regarding the A/L years but I’ll get to that in due course.) You will have a quarter life crisis because you have no real idea what direction you’re taking your life. One tip; start serious writing and keep writing. It just might save what’s left of your sanity. Yea you can toss that career plan you’re jotting down out the window right now. Remember I..err… you? … we? … read in one of dads old Reader’s Digest’s someone said “map out your future, but do it in pencil” … well you have no idea how true that is. Oh and do stick to Sunday School. Turns out its not mindless babble and psychotic extremists. But you know that by now. Keep at it. You will meet very intelligent people that teach you of a balanced and tolerant view of the world. Meditation will take you far.

Anyway you know you have the brains, even though you never want to or will admit it that to anyone, even to yourself. Don’t waste it. You are capable of so many things. Don’t be the shy kid in the corner. Go out and do the things you know you can do. Noone’s going to magically appear and realise all your potential and give you the opportunities you want. You have to make them happen. Like that time when you had the chance to do the Gaatha at the assembly, and R jumped up and took the spot while you were thinking whether to go for it or not, and he went and spouted the same old Nahi werena weraani..  and you knew you knew something better and different to say. You should have done that. Stop worrying that you’re going to screw up if you do something and stop worrying you’re going to be laughed at because you wont be, and being laughed at certainly doesn’t mean you’re going to be ostracized, quite the opposite possibly. And even if you are laughed at, sometimes its worth it to just take the chance. Don’t ever be scared to take the right chances.

Also don’t think too badly of the home folks in the years to come. Mom and Dad have always been cool and let you take your own sweet time and own road in life, and they still will in my time. Take comfort in the fact that when the day comes that you think of yourself as a glorified hobo, the parents are still very happy, patient and understanding of your presence. You’ve always thought of them and done your level best not to hurt them in anyway. It’s going to be harder to do that cos moms still gonna be as protective of you as ever and you just keep trying to get that closet rebel inside you out. Its gonna tear you to pieces a few times, not being able to be there on  more than a few occasions and it’ll haunt you for a long time. But know that in time you will realise that they shower you with a lot more love and understanding than the average parent. You’ll find that out soon enough. And that will save you from a few troubles that you never saw coming. Believe me that’s well worth the price of a bit of ridiculing from so called “friends”. The ones who matter, will understand. You can’t and won’t make everyone happy. Soon enough you will try so hard to be accepted by these people that you admire so much. You put so much effort, but into the wrong line. You should have put all that effort into you, and they’d have admired you too. And not all of them deserved your admiration anyway. You know the ones who really care about you, stick to them, make them happy and you will be too.

Love is going to be one fraking bastard of a ride. In some alternate reality where you didn’t fall in love, things might have ended up waaaay differently. But being in love was the most awesome feeling ever. You weren’t ready for it. You were nowhere near in the same galaxy as being ready for it. You were naive and you disappointed because you just didn't know any better.(I’d tell you to stand up for yourself and do what has to be done, but you have no way of knowing what has to be done. I only know now myself.) But it was love with all heart and soul and you gave it all of you just like you always do and that was wonderful. It won’t last forever. By the end you wont even know how your head went all twisted. And when it’s really over it’ll leave this black hole in your heart that just wont go away. That weight will keep you down for ages. You always were good at the non-expressive smile. You’ll use it a lot, for a long time. Just giving you the heads up here. Be ready.

But don’t think that life is a bitch by reading all that. Yes there were tough times, but some of your best days are going to be in the next few years. The last years of school are going to be some of the best. And you will go to classes and you will not learn a single dot of the syllabus but you will have the best times you had in a long long long time. You will meet friends, bros and sisters, that you are going to cherish to the time that you become me. From vj’s, lizards, dingbats to prime ministers to some that sing to your soul and some that are just there for you always. Some of the best people you meet will be met then. And after you are totally lost at sea after your A/L results you will more or less be saved by a dark and insane knight. Do remember to show your appreciation more often, you don’t right now. IT will be fun (till your lazybones kick in) and these days with that rat pack of Arkham escapees will be remembered more for the carrom and cards at the canteen and the two mountains we climbed and the sleeping in the back row, etc. oh maan that was..err… will be fun. Not to mention how you start gaming and hanging out with the coolest gamers too but ill let you find that out for yourself. But you will find the most happiness in English. Yes you always were good at that at school without even trying, but it wasn’t hard for anyone and it wasn’t even something you thought of past O/L. Well guess what. You will do higher ed. in English and you will LOVE it. The friends the people the teachers you will adore it all. So much for planning it all out at 16 huh? You will start something called blogging, where you randomly say stupid stuff on this thing called the internet and some people actually read it. And some of these people will become your closest friends as well. They’ll be all kinds of softyhearted, misrepresented, dark, angelic, saintly but not quite insane and what not and they’ll  pretty much join in the family like the ones I’ve mentioned above and they too will heal you and bring you joy to your everlasting gratefulness.

This was LONG. I KNOW. And that’s partly because noones gonna read this then. LOL (don’t ask me what kind of stupid word that is, you will find out in due time) including you. Because you and I arent that much different from each other or that 8 year old from way back. We’ll have to talk to him to make any major changes. Also because you and I we believed in one thing always. No regrets. You can’t change the past so why waste time by hanging on to old heartaches and sadness right? Let go. Learn and Let go. So you wont do it again. Right? Well you stick to that. It’ll serve you well. Have hope, you always will never lose that optimism of yours that there’s always some way for things to turn out wonderful. It’ll keep you going. Bottom line, just be yourself, I’m told its not that bad.

Live Long and Prosper

Walk of Life... by =Jennbawa on deviantART

Women are like Books

Women are like books
So my friend said.
If you see one you like,
Pick it up,
Or someone else will,

So many books,
Of so many kinds,
Worthless most,
Of pink garish hues,
And inane shallow news.

Some dark as night,
With innocent smiles bright,
Upon their covers,
Beckon you within,
To daggers and poisonous delight.

Some so long, heavy and tedious,
Some must be kept so fastidious,
While the ones with the jacket-less covers,
Are always stolen away by others.

Some books are to see, they do not speak,
And to try and read that other one,
Would take many a fruitless week.
And while that lovely book beckons too,
It's someone else's and it's not for you.

Then you see it.
Your book.
Just there.
Just for you.
About no other do you care,
As you wait stop and stare,
At the one you take home.

You hold in your hands,
Gently,
As the scent ensnares and takes you away.
As you run your hands over,
The back,
The spine,
Ever so lightly.
Feeling the smooth skin,
As you part the halves,
Hands gliding down the insides,
Feeling,
Then holding,
Then you devour whats within
With your eyes,
As your finger follows the patterns,
Line by line.
You plunge within,
Deeper and deeper,
Faster and faster
Till to the waking world,
You are no more
And then...
You return
Excited.
Rushed.
Satiated.

Leaving your hands for the present time,
But you cannot help but break a smile,
For pleasures now past and to come in time.

I always liked reading in bed.

Mr Francy and his Beetles

Image by The Brucer via Flickr

When I was a little we lived in a small village/town just outside Gampaha. Those were great times growing up in the village air with nice, kind people. Happy days.... I was only 3,4 years old. Anyhow there was this one shop called Francy Tarders (yep, I spelled it right :) ) which stocked these little plastic VW Beetle models. Nothing too fancy, just the body and 4 wheels in plastic (Made in China). They were cheap too so I'd always ask & Mom and Dad would always buy me 1 every time they went out. They were so colourful. They didnt just have regular blue, green and red. They were a rainbow of psychedelic colours. These had pastel shades of orange, pink, aquamarine, purple, turquoise and even luminous shades of yellow, lime, and many others. I didnt know all those big words then, but those little cars are still fresh in my mind after all these years.

I still remember walking into that lovely shop which had all sorts of knick-knacks, just like those magical-like shops you get in books. I'd always go with Dad. The owner knew me by name, I had come in so many times, and Dad was known a little as well as 1 of the Docs at the Textile Mill. The shop had these waist high glass display cases like in the textile shops, and the top rack was entirely filled with dozens and dozens of these little pieces of rainbow. Id gaze and pick and choose while Dad and "Mr Francy" talked (mostly about my lunatic antics I guess.)

In the end I had at least a 100 give or take. Thats not counting the ones that got broken over the years. It was a real sight to see, whether they were lined up at an imaginary parking lot, or running races around the Chair-Leg Forest and the Table-Top Flats. I think it was Herbie that got me hooked on Beetles back then. I loved that old film.

After Dad retired of course we had to move. And by that time our house was built here closer to Colombo. I was going to school too and I wasnt playing with the Beetles that much anymore. Mom was a teacher at the village school and she knew of a lot of small kids from poor families. So we ended up giving away all those toy cars. After all it was dead weight to bring along and this way someone ended up happy. A kind of going away gift.

We went back there recently after almost 10 years to settle some things. The town had changed a lot. It had lost the village charm. But some people remembered us. Mr Francy was no more, and neither were his cars. But the shop was still there. We didnt go in, and I dont know who runs it now, but it had the same old board proudly saying - "Francy Tarders".

And of course, I'll always have my memories....

(P.S just reposting something I deleted once)